There Once was a Cat Limerick Project…
ANNOUNCING!
THE CAT LIMERICK PROJECT!
Submit Your Funny Cat Limerick
for a opportunity to be Published in the new book…
“World’s Funniest Cat Limericks”
Here’s what you do…
~~~
ooo
Here’s a great opportunity to see your clever writing skills published in a real book! Delight and amaze your friends and family!
In the comment section below, complete the customary name, email, and any URL web address you wish associated with yourself then…let the fun begin!
In the comment box, type in your CAT LIMERICK CREATION!
I’ll review all the submissions personally and contact you if you have been named “A CHOSEN ONE”. Of course, there will be many who enter, and not all can be chosen, but I’m hoping to receive 50 to 100 worthy CAT LIMERICKS to print.
Select ones will be published along with a companion cartoon drawing or photo!
YOU MAY ENTER MORE THAN ONE LIMERICK! and YOU MAY HAVE MORE THAN ONE WINNER! Of course if your limericks are terrible, please only send one. 😉
YOU DON’T HAVE TO LIKE CATS! Just be funny. Cats have many, shall we say “unpleasant” traits and you may feel free to submit a limerick that expresses your dislike for them as well.
FUNNY CAT STORIES will also be accepted, even if not in limerick form, but only the funniest will make it, because the book’s primary focus is limericks. Do keep funny cat story submissions short, certainly less than 500 words.
Results of the judges (me, me and me) are final.
Winning submissions will get published in the book, with full credit given to the writer who submitted, and each writer will be allowed one link if they wish to publicize a website or business or other book they may have written.
Here’s a great opportunity to become a published writer!
Your children and grandchildren will be so proud of you!
I’m preparing a bonus gift for the published writers too!
Oh yes…while the limerick verse is prone to be a bit risque (and we like it that way) I may enjoy your colorful language, but no swear words will make it to publication. Just sayin’. I want this to be a fun coffee table book for all ages. A word to the wise.
CONTEST WILL CLOSE TO ENTRIES ON APRIL 15, 2013
Final Book will be a compilation of all work accepted and should be completed and ready for distribution by April 30th
I look forward to reading all your great submission!
NOTE: BE SURE TO BOOKMARK THIS PAGE SO YOU CAN RETURN AGAIN and AGAIN…
Lets Do This Thing!
Submit Your Entries Today!
Category: Uncategorized
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My sleeping cat fell off the chair,
But he still stuck the landing down there.
Then he just walked away,
Like he’d planned it that way.
Did I mention he flipped in midair?
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What a fun project! Here are three of my cat limericks, the last a two-verser:
First (And Last) Visit
By Madeleine Begun Kane
I’m allergic to felines; I sneeze
And I tear when they’re near -— then I wheeze.
So I wish you had warned
That your house is adorned
With a half-hundred cats (Siamese).
Kitty Limerick
By Madeleine Begun Kane
A cat-owner made a mistake,
While packing up stuff half-awake.
She bundled her cat
In her closet. The rat!
Cat in closet can cause quite a quake.
Catty Limerick
By Madeleine Begun Kane
There once was a kitty named Brad
Whose attraction to catnip was rad.
He would sniff it and eat it
And quickly deplete it.
Was kitty addicted? A tad.
When his owner had failed to buy more,
The kitty sneaked into a store
And ate all the herb,
But got caught at the curb
Sound asleep and beginning to snore.
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A tri-colored cat we did get
We all called him George and yet
when he had a litter
We had to consider
Changing our George to Georgette
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I’m not mean. It’s a means to some ends.
My computer’s nights’ “OFF” state depends
On just one simple fact.
Last month it was hacked.
My two cats, searching Facebook for friends.
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If you’re thinking of getting a pet
Make a choice that you’ll never regret.
You don’t need a dog
Or a pot-bellied hog,
A cat’s the best pet you can get.
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My cat is a bundle of fur,
That you pet if you want her to purr.
If you’re rough she’ll get mad,
Maybe hiss just a tad.
Treat her nice, that is what she’ll prefer.
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In the first book I read was a cat
Whose role was to sit on a mat.
This flabby old tabbycat
Stayed in her habitat
The flat mat where that fat cat sat.
She did though, so I’d like to think,
Get up now and then for a drink
Or to visit her litter
(Not babies… the sh**ter)
As long as the stuff didn’t stink.
And then she’d go back to her mat
The one where she mostly just sat.
This ball of inertia
Was not bred in Persia
Or anywhere fancy like that.
The name of this cat, it was Pat
Because she could sit on that mat
All night and all day
Not hunting for prey.
I wish I had Patience like that.
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There is absolutely no doubt
It’s hard (even don’t dream about!)
To catch a black cat
By night in dark flat
Especially if it got out…
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Deep in the night, the man sleeps
Kitty watches his tummy, then leaps
She loves how it bounces
Right after she pounces
Then slowly away kitty creeps
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Kitty can give a man pause
For she lives by her own set of laws
She’s the judge and the jury
And hell has no fury
Like Kitty’s retractable claws
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When she hears the sweet hiss of a can
Kitty weaves through the legs of the man
If he falls, she won’t quibble
For he once gave her kibble,
And in fact, that’s precisely her plan
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Wow! Lot’s of great cat limericks so far! Thanks everyone! Keep’m coming!
Here’s another from me:
My kitty loves tuna (that’s fish)
In a “fancy-pants” Tiffany dish.
If you serve in a can
She’ll say, “No thank you man!”
Is that snooty or maybe pet-peevish?
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My kitty was chasing a string
On the end of a long handled thing.
Who knew she could jump
to the top of my rump?
I found out when I felt her claws cling!
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If you’re longing to play with the cat,
Don’t chase her, she’ll never like that.
Just sit with a book
And she’ll give you a look.
Then come running no matter how fat.
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My cat grabbed a fly from the sky
Not to kill it but just to say “Hi!”
She played with it then
’til a quarter past ten.
When a frog ate it as it went by.
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Cats look so funny all wet.
It’s as funny as funny can get.
Perhaps it’s their face?
Or their sense of disgrace?
As they shrink to just half of your pet.
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A cat doesn’t bark or need walkin’,
Want crackers and never stop talkin’,
Eat her young like a molly,
Sniff your butt like a collie –
She may help with your spells like Graymalkin.
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When the man doesn’t freshen her litter
Dear Kitty’s not angry or bitter
She leaves hairballs like Brillo
She pukes on his pillow
Right next to the half-eaten critter
Sweet Kitty’s the queen of the night
When the man is asleep, the moon bright
From the depths of her soul
She howls cat rock and roll
Out the catdoor to love or to fight
When Kitty was only a kitten
The man was all awe-struck and smitten
He’d snuggle and smooch
But a cat’s not a pooch
Some noses just beg to be bitten
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A cat who was specially bred
Had long silky hair that she’d shed.
All over the stairs
And the chairs, were her hairs,
And some ended up in the bed.
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Scratchy sounds from the litter box creep
Christmas morn. To the chair, then, a leap.
She’s licking her paws:
“There’s no sandy claws.
And I’m clean now.” She went back to sleep.
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When life slips away from the line
The world shows its crappy design
And you endure that
Like Shrödinger’s cat
Entrapped in a vessel of Klein…
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(Here’s a couple of verses. Peruse ’em,
And feel free to accept or refuse ’em.
My license solution’s
CC-Attribution:
If that’s not OK, please don’t use ’em.
Thanks — wtl)
****
A poet (I quite forget who)
Said, “A cat is a living haiku.”
But this cat of mine’s
Built on limerick lines —
She’s a thoroughly filthy one, too!
****
CATS AND COMPUTERS #1
All kitties, from seaboard to seaboard,
Seem to find it delightful to bè bored.
Cats sleep, so they say,
Twenty hours a day —
And their favorite place is your keyboard.
****
CATS AND COMPUTERS #2
My cat on the stove made a mess.
He said, “It was me, I confess.
Y’see, marking like that’s
Like a blog for us cats,
And the stove is my I-Pee Address!”
****
Though kitties are pretty and sweet,
They have predator’s claws on their feet.
Our domestic arrange-
ment is likely to change
If they find out we’re made out of meat.
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This one’s a cycle in nine verses (one for each life):
i.
On an evening pleasant and fair,
I went with a book to my lair.
I thought I’d retire
To a place by the fire,
And read in my favorite chair.
I went to my chair — almost sat in it;
But I couldn’t, for there was a cat in it.
I put down my Thurber.
How could I disturb her,
All cozy and fuzzy and fat in it?
ii.
I turned to myself, and said, “Look,
We must find an alternative nook.
Since our plan didn’t fare well,
Let’s read in the stairwell!”
I reached down to pick up my book…
But when I reached down — what was *that* on it?
My book had a very large cat on it
(When I tried to insist,
He would nibble my wrist,
And he ended up lying down flat on it).
iii.
I abandoned my book and my seat,
And went to make something to eat.
In my kitchen I’ve got
A big stainless-steel pot,
Which is perfect to cook up a treat.
So I went to prepare something hot in it,
But I couldn’t. There was a guess-what in it,
Happy, purring, contented…
(Of course, I relented:
I’ll come back some time when she’s *not* in it).
iv.
“Oh, forget about dinner,” I said;
“It is time I was going to bed.
I’ll count cats — I mean, sheep —
‘Til I drift off to sleep
With the covers pulled over my head.”
But here’s a predicament pretty:
The bed was all covered in kitty!
All types, breeds and versions
From tabbies to Persians…
And no room for me, more’s the pity.
v.
That’s the end of my story so far,
As I go off to sleep in the car.
But the worst thing is that
I DO NOT HAVE A CAT…
(Say — I wonder whose kitties they are?)
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P.S. I SAVED IT
While I perched on the toilet to pee,
a young cat was attending to me.
As I stood up and flushed,
toward my lap it had rushed,
then swirled headlong toward life #3.
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Beautiful Spring day. My two cats, Thadeus and Elodie, looked longingly at the screened-in porch. I let them out and after about ten minutes, they decided that it was too cold for them so I let them in. The lesson here is that cats are smart enough to come in from the cold.
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Your two cats, Elodie and Thad
Can not reach the doorknob; That’s sad.
To Thad and Elodie
You’re having to toady –
Would building a flap be too rad?
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My white silly cat (Himalayan)
Gets quite frisky while she is playin’.
When she gets just too rough,
Then I have to get tough.
So the water then I will be sprayin’.
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When marking the drywall with spray
Kitty’s feeling quite horny and gay
She’s the mother of mothers
If she had her druthers
The man would get out of her way
The man had a lover named Nell
Who made his heart patter and swell
She was lithesome and pretty
But never liked Kitty
She’d say “I just can’t stand the smell”
When Kitty was put in a cage
She scorned the man’s hope to assuage
Like a calico spector
Of Hannibal Lecter
Her eyes were just gleaming with rage
At the vet, Kitty’s rage was quite frightening
The tension was high and still heightening
The vet and his helpers
Were cowards and yelpers
Her claws were still flashing like lightning
Kitty finally went under the knife
And the man soon took Nell for his wife
And now Kitty’s much better
But pees on Nell’s sweater
For better or worse that’s their life
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My cat was a mouser adept,
Catching rodents at night while I slept.
She thought she was nice
When she brought me those mice.
But I’d rather my paper she’d schlepped.
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A laser light makes my cat crazy.
It’s funny ‘cuz mostly she’s lazy.
She’ll chase it with glee
On the wall and on me.
It’s a hit! Maybe I’ll call Scorsese!
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The cat at the top of the stack
Played all night with his dandy gimcrack.
But as he got tired
His brothers conspired
When his eyes closed they grabbed that knickknack.
Well the cat at the top got all mad
When he woke to find out he’d been had.
So he thought up a plot
To get back at the lot.
Soon he’d have back his shiny doodad.
While his brothers were having a snack
That sly cat snuck behind to attack.
Well he pounced and they flew
Then said, “Merci Beaucoup!”
Strolling off with his reclaimed gimcrack.
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